I just saw a hot homeless man
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
you kept typing in answers.com, why are the state police calling my house, expecting an answer
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
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