new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
