So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
Just found out my 21st birthday is on a Wednesday. The possibilities are cheap, as well as endless.
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
