My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
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