Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
Some dude with an OSU jersey just kissed him in the face in front of everyone. I should mention he's wearing a Panda costume. And has already been offered $20 for his suit by Plushies for oral sex.
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
Randomize
