and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
Randomize
