if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
The glockenspiel player has some booze though so hopefully the ride won't be that bad
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
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