I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
Pride log, day two. Noticing more bruises and scrapes. Liver functions probably very lowered.
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
Randomize
