you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
If I'm going to keep blacking out this much I need to start taking more pictures.
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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