today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
Randomize
