it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
