So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
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