Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
there are LEGIT cum stains on my ceilling. ON THE CEILLING!! you tell me how the relationship was.
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