There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
Randomize
