Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
Randomize
