P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Randomize
