Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
Randomize
