i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
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