battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
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