Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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