Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
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