I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
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