I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
im so glad i don't have to work tomorrow. I'm spendin all night on the new call of duty.
Wow. That's the gayest thing you ever said.
Look man i'm staying in playing videogames and growing a beard. Its not like i'm trying to get a girlfriend.
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
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