Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
I would ride that face into the sunset
Randomize
