I'm sorry my penis didn't work
I did the walk of shame to another booty call
I don't think that should turn me on, but it does
She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
Randomize
