I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
I think our prof has caught onto our drinking game. He burst into the room with a big smile on his face and yelled "essentially! Essentially! Essentially!"
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
