Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
At Wal-Mart last night I watched two guys scramble for $4.34 to pay for a pack of ping pong balls and red solo cups. They had to put the .34 on a credit card. Winter break begins!
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
