I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
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