Cold hands, warm shart.
please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
Good news. His dicks gotten wayy bigger since high school. I love Thanksgiving break.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
Randomize
