need another drink. this is the easiest way
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
Dude they have ski ball. Anywhere that has skiball is bound to be bangin.
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
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