You smell like a Billy Joel song
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
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