You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
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