having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
Is there a way to use porn to inspire him to have dirty thoughts? Like the movie Inception except with more lube and orgams?
Randomize
