Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
Randomize
