He uses pillows to masturbate.
idea:have a jello shot stand(opposed to lemonade stand) to raise money for spring break
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
