Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
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