saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
