Just saw a car with license plate GYPSYS that was full of gypsies
i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
we watched a tutorial on how to do guidette makeup
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
Randomize
