ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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