So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
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