WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
PANTIES FOUND
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