I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Just do let me go home with anyone especially I a guy with a hair sweater
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
Randomize
