Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
Randomize
