Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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