I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
I think she kind of thinks she's better than us now ... please. I go to Michigan.
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Randomize
