A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
really enjoying the fact I don't remember how the staff party ended. feel like I need to shame drink today
feel at noon?
Randomize
