My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
We're using joints as your birthday candles
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
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