My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
I mean I found and stalk his moms facebook.. that obsessed.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
Randomize
