when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
is wine microwaveable?
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
soon, soon....
I don't believe you anymore. You're like the boy who cried coitus.....
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Randomize