That's intense
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
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