Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
you missed a midterm to shack? WOW. How desperate are you?
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
we were playing waterfall, then strip waterfall, then we were just listening to music, drinking, and slowly becoming more naked
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
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