Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
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