I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
We're high and this subject came up and I'd like a female opinion: if you were a dude, what would you do if a girl tried to give you a foot job?
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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