All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
