The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
I think our prof has caught onto our drinking game. He burst into the room with a big smile on his face and yelled "essentially! Essentially! Essentially!"
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
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