Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
I mean, she is a dancer for the Suns. If I didnt fuck her that would just be bad team spirit.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
Randomize
