I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
Hey do you or anyone you know want to get drunk for free? At 4pm tonight at rctc for field sobriety training for future cops
Randomize