I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
he just fucked me for my cheese.
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
Randomize
